Friday, May 21, 2010

WHY???????

Why do I question?  Why do they question?  Why do YOU question?  

I started out my week with a little bit of a faith relapse.  A few months back when I was dealing with my breast "tumor" and wondered WHY?, and then I've had some things in the last few days that have left me questioning God.  Was THIS really what He intended?  When He said to add this little girl to our already-perfect family, did I understand Him correctly?  Or is it possible that this is truly what He intended, but not fully.  I know very well that this adoption is not the end for me....for my family.  God is asking us for more.  This was just the small step in the beginning of really BIG things.  I know that He is using me, as well as all of the other families that are adopting, to spread the word about His people everywhere.  He's already done this with many others before us and He will with many after.  I truly "get" this part.  But it's really difficult to explain to others, particularly family, when I question things myself.   

I posted already about how my sister is beginning to understand what we're doing.  It seems (and this part I've had figured out since the beginning of the process) that our families truly feel that we will go into debt or even have to claim bankruptcy to pay for all of it.  And my answer/question is, "Do we question when you go out and buy a new car?"  I also believe that adopting outside of our community, for some reason, also has them riled up.  And it makes me wonder why what we choose isn't ever really good enough. It makes me sad that we're always in a battle about right and wrong.  So isn't this what families are for?  To support each other in the good times and bad?  And it's soo difficult for me to see that anyone could think THIS was bad.  I have gone back-n-forth about how I will feel when we bring our baby home and everyone will want to hold her...love her.  I would want to ask "Where were you?  Where were you when we needed you?  When things were really hard and you couldn't bare to lend an ear, to soften your heart, to ask for more information?  Where were you then?"  Why can't you just give a little and know that we are trying to do the right thing?  As we get further along I have thickened my skin, so I try not to care.  But I do care.  It doesn't matter that they don't "get it" or don't even want to try.  We are going to do it.  God has asked us "Will you do what I ask of you?  Even though it may seem so unreachable and difficult at times?  Will you follow me and do what I ask?"  And because of our Faith in Him, we will.  So even though we love our families and care sometimes what they think of us....what matters is that they are our family.  I will give them grace even when they may not deserve it, and I will hope that some day they will "get it". I WILL be there for them, always.  Even when they are doing something Christ hasn't called them to....when they've hit the lowest low.  

To our families: I will be praying for you and I will tell you that I am.  Even when I don't understand, I will try. 
It's all that I ask of you.  

 So when you question me, when they question me, and when I question myself, 
the answer 
will always be the same.  
Because it's what God has always wanted.

2 comments:

JonesEthiopia said...

Great post... With both our adoptions, I, too, had times of doubt and people who questioned our choices (and still do). But then I look at my girls, currently snug as bugs in their beds napping, and I know it is all worth it and I would do it all again in a heartbeat to bring them home.... and in fact WILL do it again to bring home more children.

The Cole Crew said...

Kendra,

Hang in there, I know it is hard to not let things bother you. I admire what you and Dic and the boy's are doing. It's good. Your soon to be daughter is sooo lucky to have you as a Mom. You are such a kind, good person and mother. Try not to let it get you down, not all of us will ask "why?" Your friend, Sara

There was an error in this gadget

music player