the day i sent my homeschooler back to public school

most people who know anything about me at least know this.....

we homeschool. 

it hasn't been easy. 

it hasn't always been pretty. 

but it's ours, and sometimes that's all we have.

well, this morning i dropped my son off at the front door of his new school. 

he's in the 8th grade....the big wig.....the top dog.

the newbie.

and i tried to be strong. and i tried to be happy. and i tried to act like i could handle this.

he walked away and i fell apart.

we have spent the last two years talking about what it would look like if he returned to public school.

we've done it before (pubic school), just not ever sure we would do it again.

and he has always been the one to bring it up and ask about it.

he's curious. 

he's always anxious to see what's on the "other side". 

and here's his chance.

homeschooling the last two years has given our family lots of freedom. 

we go to bed when we want

 (cause we can get up when we want),

we have lots of extra daylight hours to do the things we like to do

(cause our school only takes a fraction of our time),

we can travel whenever we feel like it

(cause we can make up our time or take it with us),

we can have lots of animals

(cause we have the time to spend with them and learn about them),

we pray and talk about God A LOT

(because He's ALWAYS allowed in our school),

we have hour(s)-long discussions on any given day about how to better ourselves, about who we wanna be, about what makes us tick and what works for our family and what doesn't, and about how we can be His hands and feet

(because shorter school days allot for beautiful, amazing conversations),
and there are soo many other reasons.......

but most and best of all......

and this is the thing that would drive most people crazy......

we are ALWAYS together.

(with the exception of my coffee dates, Cole's work, baseball, football, ballet, Dic's work, etc, etc).

today this is what i'm missing most.

our together.

one big piece of my heart was missing today as i left my boy and he walked through those doors.

he was scared and worried and hasn't slept for many nights thinking about what it will be like.

i think he was maybe peeking into the dreams i've had for years where i stand in the middle of a bunch of strangers and no one will help me and i know i'm suppose to be accomplishing something super big.

his thoughts on the way to school were about not knowing anything...
 (and we're not talking academically here)
....not knowing what to do.

that made me feel helpless as a mom.

i knew he didn't want me to walk him into the building and show him the way, but as a mom i felt like i should hold his hand and guide him.

cause that's what i do.

i protect my kids and take care of their hearts when they need me.

today i felt like he needed me.

these may be things that most people would never think about as they send their kids off to school.

these may be things that many people would never think about their kids. period.

maybe it's only homeschool moms that get it....i don't know.

i think it's kind of like trying to explain what adoption is like before you've done it.....

what parenting is like before you've done it......

what marriage is like before you've done it.

i LIKE being with my kids and i have learned soo much more about them than i could have ever imagined because we were finally given the time. 

and they got a chance to see what I'M all about...

the good, the bad, and the ugly

 (cause it gets that way....especially when i eat gluten :)).

it's tough when our time is divided.

we see things happen when our family is divided.

tonight, as i was saying goodnight to him, he told me that so far (and it's only been this one day) the hardest part about going back to school is that he doesn't get to be with us and do the things that we're doing (i took the other 3 for donuts cause that's what i do when i'm sad, and tonight everyone else was watching a movie but he needed to get to bed to make the bus on time tomorrow). 

i told him that was the hardest part for me too.

and then my goofy, spirited, gentle-souled son sat up and hugged me and told me he loved me and that it's going to be alright.

i will get through my sadness and sorrow for him.
i am soo soo proud of him.

i know our sweet father is watching over him at all times and he will continue to answer my pleas and prayers for my babe's protection. 

most friends won't get this. i'm sure it's difficult to understand unless you've been in my shoes.

it's okay.

i have pretty stink'n awesome kids.

that's all anyone needs to know.

zachie your mama loves and adores you more than you will ever know,

and i'll do my best to keep telling and showing you.
love,
your mama