Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Soften a hardened Heart

I have been in touch with many adoptive mamas lately and I am not feeling quite so alone. 
Thank you for that, friends.
  This journey has been a tough, but beautiful one and we have been blessed beyond measure. 
I will never forget how many times God came through for us and His timing was always perfect.  
Having Faith when things weren't going my way....not easy. 
I struggle with control.  
Don't we all? 
Just in different ways I think. 

 

I want to control what my kids wear (I'm getting over it...slowly), how their clothes hang in their closet (don't mess with this :0), and you've probably never seen a more organized dresser/room (theirs...not mine :0( ). 
I am slowly letting go. 
I have had the control as a parent about what they put in their mouths ('cept when they're at school, of course, and even then I try), how long they sit in a car-seat (I'll push that as long as I can), and they always have a helmet on their heads when they are driving any moving thing (I would never forgive myself if something happened to them and it could have been prevented).  
BUT, 
all those things seem minimal when I am fighting for control over things I simply CAN''T control. 
 God places us where HE sees fit, 
where HE knows we can be instrumental, 
where HE needs us to be.  
This isn't always/usually the plan we have set for ourselves. 
Which makes it that much more difficult when it doesn't turn out the way we thought it would.
I am humbly announcing that I am going through a rough patch right now. 
From what I've heard this is very normal, but not talked about much in the adopting world. 
People have high expectations of us whom God has chosen for such a magnificent feat. 
We dare not let them down, right?
  Well, I am breaking my silence so that you may come forward if you are having a less-than desirable time too. 
I knew it wouldn't be easy. 
You knew it wouldn't be easy. 
And for some I guess it just is. 
For now.
I am praying a lot.
I am asking God to soften my hardened heart. 
  It is a full heart, 
but it is longing for His grace at the same time.
 I've decided it's okay to ask for help.  Some of my friends have already been soo sweet to listen without passing judgment and other adoptive moms have helped me to see that I am not alone.  And that some most times we need to reach out for help. 
Time may not heal as it does in many instances.  
We need to ask. 
So I am. 

4 comments:

Holly said...

I can't even imagine what you're dealing with right now, so I'm not even going to pretend that I know. What I can give you though, is encouragement, and hope. Just recently, I too came out of a rough spot that seemed to last longer than I would've thought. (we're talking a full year, here). What I learned though this walk is that our Father is FAITHFUL and LOVING, and He LOVES us UNCONDITIONALLY. I KNOW that whatever you're going through, He is there, and will ALWAYS be there for you! You can be sad, grumpy, confused...whatever, and He'll take it all. I know time is a precious commodity these days, but I would encourage you to spend even just a few minutes more with Him as often as possible. Let his love drench your spirit, and fill you full. He will remove your heart of stone, and give you a heart of flesh. That's what He did for me this month. Praying for you, friend.

Deena said...

I am with you 100% Kendra! I GET it. It is hard. It is especially hard when you don't "feel" what you are "supposed to" feel. I've decided that when we brought our babies home, it was hard too- I think those memories fade over time. They were just being babies though, and it is WAY different when the hard part involves a little PERSON (not baby) who is able to talk back, reject you, act controlling and pout (in our case). You know I am in the same boat on many days. These little ones are adorable, smart, sassy and amazing all at the same time, aren't they? I'll keep praying for us both ;) Hugs!

missy said...

and now i will be asking for you too. i remember our own challenges of the first months home. so strange that i could feel both so full and so empty at the same time. that there could be such clarity in my love and yet somehow an emotional confusion. praying for god to give you exactly what you need.

Anonymous said...

We are praying for you Kendra! You are an amazing Momma and woman!! Whatever you are going through you will make it through. If there is anything I can do to give you support let me know!

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