Progression in Transition

those of you who know me know i'm not the silent type.

i haven't been quiet about about my adoption struggles.

i'm not afraid to tell how it's been hard, like really hard for me.

i shared early on how the beginning transition period was stressful and what we were doing to get through it all.....read some here

i always keep in mind that people may be disappointed in me and my feelings.

but i think it's necessary and totally helpful for other families to know the things that other adoptive/adopting families go through....so we all know 

we 

aren't 

alone.

she wasn't an infant when we brought her home (not to say that that is easy either).

she was almost three by the time she came to be a part of our family.

she has a story....she has memories....she has a personality.

when she first came home she tested the waters to see where she fit, if she fit, what she could get away with.

would we still love her even if she chose something else to wear? if she had a meltdown over being told NO? when she pushed her food away?

i'm sure she was wondering, "what will my new family be capable of providing for me?".  

the first 6-8 weeks was really hard because she still wasn't quite sure of her relationship with her daddy (which is beautiful now) and i was more like a single parent at that point--she wouldn't even let him look at her.  i was exhausted from over-thinking everything and trying to give her everything she needed without having to undo everything later when the rules would change.

 resentment began to creep in, i think. and please believe me when i tell you how hard that is to admit.  we waited a grueling year for this blessing of pink that god granted us.  it's pretty much all i thought about, talked about. 
my poor friends.  
this was the biggest step in faith i had ever taken...that dic and i had ever taken together.....and maybe the biggest that our family will ever take as a whole (i hope not).  and somehow i came to the point where it took such an effort for me to find joy.  when dic worked soo hard to play with aregash and show her how fun and loving he was, then our youngest son felt the void.  when i tried to fill his void, she showed jealousy like i have never seen in a child.  
i was torn. 
 and i stayed torn.  
it began to feel like when i was pregnant with my second child and i wasn't sure how i was going to be able to spread the love between two children.

how do i love these four children equally, always having to keep in mind that one came from a hard place?

i talked to friends (especially adopting friends) who have experienced similar things in their lives and it was a comfort.

but it didn't fix what i was feeling.

they would say "it will come......
the love will come".

and i felt despair and shame.

pre-adoption the worry was more about "will she love us?"  "will she attach to us?"

i never once had a concern that my feelings could be different for a child not born of my body.

i don't think there is ever a way to prepare your mind and heart for this.

i mean, how can i not feel "love" for this child that i loved from clear across the world. the child that god placed in my heart years down the road and the child that he knew from the beginning of time would be ours?
please try to understand that i have always loved her...it's just a different kind of love--a learned love.  

i cry now writing this. 

 knowing that many of you who read it will judge and not understand. 

 but then again....how could you?  if you have not been in my shoes?  it's like saying you know about being a parent when you've never done it at all.

i have enough shame and guilt for all of us, believe me.

and this is where i don't get when people don't believe in god. 
 because he is always the answer.

i have prayed for the four months she's been home that god would soften my hardened heart.  
where did this darkness come from?  
why can't i see the joy in something soo apparent....
something soo simple...soo precious?

i have asked for forgiveness.  for the times i was far less than perfect.  for instead of welcoming happiness and love and joy i let fear and frustration and sadness creep in.

it is never what i intended or expected or wanted...i think anyone would know that.

it was what it was.

and through it all she loved me (even though one day she broke my heart when she said she didn't).

she forgave me.  

i have always known to tell my kids i'm sorry when i have hurt their feelings and she is no exception.

even when she didn't understand english yet it seemed as though she truly understood what i was saying and gave me grace.

things have progressively gotten better, as i was assured they would be.

i am feeling the peace that god promised when our journey began and i am so very grateful for that.  the sun is finally shining and the birds are singing and i am happy.

this child of god. my child of god is with us.

i showed her how to fold her hands up when she talks about our family.

to show how we are all intertwined and connected....

together.

i have always said she is the missing piece to our puzzle.
she is.
she is perfect for me.....for our family.

god knew what he was doing when he placed her in our hearts.

this was always the plan.

i was wrong to ever question that, even when things have been soo difficult.

god tells me that i need to stop being soo hard on myself 
(and so do all my friends)....

that it's only been 4 months since she came to us.

nothing can ever prepare our hearts for such a huge transition.

some people handle it with ease, while others struggle more.

he tells me to stop thinking and just to love.

love isn't always easy and it doesn't always come in perfect form, 

but love can heal anything....anyone.

and so we move on with contagious smiles and answered prayers.

hearts are softened and god is glorified.

it took me some time to fill in the blanks.

 saying that it has been emotional is an understatement.

 i don't want to be that person who sits back and waits while others are hurting.

if i can help one more family to get through their trials, 
even if by knowing they aren't alone,

then i will do it.

one of my adoptive mama friends gave some of the best advice.....

just keep holding and loving and praying

and the 

rest 

will 

come.

thank you for your compassion even when it may not be a part of your story.