Wednesday, September 28, 2011

i choose to love.

i haven't been writing here lately...
like for a very long lately.  
and it's because, well, i haven't wanted to write about positive things 
as i wasn't feeling super positive. 

our "back-side"

i wanted to write, but i didn't feel like being funny, or witty....
sometimes i just wanted to spew my whole story out there.
i decided i needed to sit on that for awhile 
(since i tend to tell too much MOST of the time). 

the "front-side"

i am nearing the age where people begin to think real hard before they say everything they are feeling 

it feels, oh-so-good to get it out, 
but the regrets hurt later. 
and this is one reason why i knew i couldn't "come back" just yet. 

how much do i want to share? 
what if i write some things that my child(ren) will read later and be hurt by? 

it's been such a struggle deciding. 
so i just don't. 
i have been keeping those feelings for my close friends and some adoptive mamas who 
"get it". 

i'm gonna try to start from square one again. 
clean slate. 
the past is behind me, and i have faith that everything will just keep getting better. 
here goes 
(thinking positive-thinking positive) :0)

do you ever feel like you're living someone else's life for just a little while?
like nothing seems real? 
cause you are blessed beyond measure and you just don't feel worthy?

cole thomas...13 years old

soo blessed beyond measure.

only one fell in...i won't say which one......very explicit instructions were given on this picture day :0)

i seem to have some very special blessings in my life.

i hope my love is apparent. 

zachary daniel--10 years old

i hope it is felt by those i hold close to my heart.

a friend once said to me,
"love is not a feeling. love is a choice."

it made me feel better, but a little lot confused.
i always thought of love as a feeling.

luke casey--8 years old

and then i found another explanation.....

you are soo wise , daddy.....we're listening.

love is a choice.......

 it's a choice.....

aregash faith dejene

and when you choose to love......
the feelings come.


feeling love can take time.

it's different for everyone.
i understand this now.

i was pretty hard on myself.

love takes time.
what's soo hard about that?

but it's what makes the world go 'round.
and it feels so good to love....
and BE loved.

something we think we always knew,
but never thought we'd struggle with.

love is a choice......
and when we choose to love,
the feelings come.

i choose to love. 

i CHOOSE to love.

it's just that simple


Pauline said...

Beautiful! I love reading what you have to say because in my head, I HEAR you saying it. Also, love the picture of the family peaking out from behind the tree!! Anyway, so glad we were able to meet and become a part of each others' lives!!

Kendra said...

i treasure our friendship, pauline. thank you for being one of "those" people i can count on.

autumn's dizzy thoughts said...

choosing to love can be such a challenge and its something i didnt realzie would or could be a problem on the parent side.....i sometimes have to remind myself to choose to love my sons (biological and adopted)- and that this is what a family should be.....its an internal struggle that takes on very external forms.

Deena said...

i get it. it is a choice. it's hard to see that though. no one tells you that when you are in the process of adopting, do they? i assumed it would be a natural feeling/thing, and now i don't think it is for everyone. it's been a year for us and i am just starting to really FEEL more and choose less...know what i mean? i know you do and thank God for's great to share this journey with you!

Kendra said...

i love when people understand what it's been like--it's such an alien feeling and cause much guilt and shame....things we should never have to feel. thank you for helping feel more "human", friends.

deena, you have always been someone i can count on. i soo love that we have been able to walk through this experience together....and now we finally get to talk in person. i am truly blessed. love you. k

Brenna said...

Beautiful thoughts, and a beautiful family!

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