Saturday, February 26, 2011

Just some new stuff.....and maybe a cute picture or two :0)

Bonding......
 I have been told I am being hard on myself now that we have Aregash home.  Sometimes I agree, it's just that things aren't just cut-n-dry like I thought they would be.  We are working really hard on the bonding that happens when a family adopts, but there are always those rules that were meant to be broken.....or were they?  I feel as though the bond between Aregash and myself is pretty strong, but it's a struggle with her and her daddy.  When she is upset with me I have just been giving it some time and she always softens with hugs and kisses.  With her daddy it's a bit different.  He doesn't do anything for her to be upset about (I get to be the bad "guy" on purpose), but she still determines when she will give him the time of day.  So we have been really watchful when we are with other people to make sure that she is only held by her daddy or me.  This is hard.  It's hard to tell someone they can't hold her....to get them to understand without a lengthy discussion... that every time she goes to a "stranger" it can hinder the relationship she has with her dad.  The really difficult part is that she prefers men, but not always, and sometimes she surprises us when she has been soo clingy to me and she won't even go to her dad, but she'll go to a stranger who holds their arms out.  Some times I have just said "No", other times I let her go and pull her right back in.  It's not easy to tell grandpa that he can't hold his grand-daughter when he's only met her one or two times.  I can't tell you how hard.  Cause he doesn't "get" it, she doesn't get it, and it leaves me feeling like I can't do anything right.  I have been told that every time someone other than my husband or myself hold her we take a step back in our attachment.  Our social worker told me to go with my instincts. So this is what my instincts tell me.......that Aregash has "met" her Grandma Gail a handful of times.....she knows that she is Grandma....she can call her by name.  My mom can hold her.  I feel comfortable with it now.  What I'm not okay with is some "random" (and I say random not because I don't know them, but because SHE doesn't know them from the next person) holds their arms out and scoops her up.  So she doesn't have a firm attachment to Dic yet.  What have I just done by letting her go?  It isn't fair to her daddy.  So why is it so hard to say something????  Can all of you just READ this and try to comprehend it so I don't have to explain it in detail every time??  Thanks. :0)  Am I making to big of a deal?  Sometimes I think I am....other times I know that my persistence will only help the father/daughter relationship.  I wish I could set her down and not have to worry.  I'm just gonna wear a sign.....and put one on her too.  PLEASE DON'T HOLD THE BABY.  Decision made. :0).

Today our church threw our family a shower to welcome Aregash home.  
It was lovely.  
Here are some pictures.  
We LOVE our church family.

such pretty colors


the cake had the tree from our shirts on it--so sweet...thanks Dominique!


she is just beginning to get into the gift opening a little



We all wore our traditional Ethiopian garb......
'cept for the daddio.
We neglected to find something for him
in our 15 minute shopping spree
before we left Addis.
So sad.




 when we got home I got some shots of my cutie pa-tooties
what a dolly


brothers celebrating with their sister


snuggly siblings





 and then she asked, "Mommy, photo Aregash baby?"
 .....of course precious girl.

I have a lot to write about.
I promise I'll do that soon.
The clock just ticks too quickly lately.
Time to give all my love to my LOVES.

6 comments:

missy said...

i can identify with this post! i experienced a lot of anxiety over bonding and "rules" of attachment after we came home with lulu. i will be praying for you in the midst of it. and praying that, in time, you will have a true daddy's girl on your hands!

Kendra said...

Missy, today at church she finally got down and ran around and did end up in a couple sets of arms...men friends of ours. I felt like I could handle it with humor, so I said, "Put the baby down". I thought I was funny, but they weren't sure if I was serious about the command.....so I went in to explanation. At least NOW maybe THOSE people can help me to tell others what we're doing. I think if we didn't have the issue with Dic it would be such a big deal, except for I also want her to be able to decipher between friends and strangers....that has to start somewhere. What did YOU do?

Lynn said...

Kenj,
I understand what you're trying to say. My friend from work who adopted 2 children from S.A. told me this would happen. No one told them about it several years ago when they got the children and the bonding process was more difficult than they anticipated.it took them much longer to bond. You are doing the right thing. I wish I was there to not hold and not hug my little niece. I can't wait to meet her in June! Love you!

melanie said...

She is such a doll! What a little blessing you have! Thank you so much for including me last (last) weekend. Good to see you and oh my, Aregash is breathtaking.
I had fun and so did Kelsey! She asked if we could go to another party after we left!
:)Mel

designfrenzy said...

I am so glad you are blogging in detail like this. I am sure it is a great blessing to others in your situation.
Also, "Good for you!" on working hard to make that familial bonding a major success! You aren't making too big a deal of it- it must be one of, if not the most, important aspect of the first year! You will make the right choices- I agree that you should go with your gut feelings. You will know which times it is appropriate based on your day, week month, attitudes etc!!!
Good job and God Bless you all!

designfrenzy said...

I am so glad you are blogging in detail like this. I am sure it is a great blessing to others in your situation.
Also, "Good for you!" on working hard to make that familial bonding a major success! You aren't making too big a deal of it- it must be one of, if not the most, important aspect of the first year! You will make the right choices- I agree that you should go with your gut feelings. You will know which times it is appropriate based on your day, week month, attitudes etc!!!
Good job and God Bless you all!
Penny O.

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