Empowered to Connect with all of my children

Today I feel refreshed....

Today I feel revived....

Today I feel empowered to be the mother I have been longing to be.

last weekend i went to denver with my friend lauren to attend the empowered to connect conference through Show Hope.  I have to be completely honest.....I never thoroughly read the information about what the conference entailed (i think lauren prolly rolled her eyes at me when i asked her what we were doing here).
 I knew it was geared toward adoptive families and that alone has to be good, 

but I didn't know exactly WHY i was going. :0)  

okay, i was going because i needed a great reason to take a break from "life" 

and i wanted to show support for the organization that helped us bring 

our little girl home.

my friend lauren who has been my non-judgmental sounding-board for over a year now......met through adoption

our new friends, beth and scott whom we "found" through blogging.....they are in the process of adopting siblings....soo happy they are educating themselves NOW.

THISwasaGODthing

as many of you know (because i tend to be rather vocal) i have fallen on some hard times lately.  it stems from many different things, but mostly the balance of parenting a very-newly-adopted child and three bio boys.  

along with that comes guilt, sadness, jealousy, manipulation, tenderness, and many many sleepless nights
(surely not forgetting the joy and beauty with our blessings, but these were the HARD things). 

i was beginning to feel crushed by the pressures of being 

the perfect mommy. 

but alas!! a weekend away to rejuvenate and put everything into perspective.

 i spent the first full day of the conference crying. 

wondering what i could have been thinking.  

angry that i had never been told.  

feeling like a failure not only as an adoptive parent, but also to my 3 bio boys.

i went the second day KNOWING that there were going to be BIG changes when i returned home--no weeping the rest of the weekend....just keeping my eyes on the sweet surprise at the end 

(my kiddos and their love).

congregating at the computer.....again :0)

SOOOOOO........here it is.......................

i am a control freak......i have already admitted that.

i tell my kids NO when i really need to say YES

i am not "present" with my children the way i need to be.

i yell a lot (yes, i am saying it)

this conference was about connecting with our children. 

 it was aimed toward children from "hard places"....fostered, adopted, abused, neglected, those born on drugs, etc.  

but we learned that at-risk children can also be any child that was affected by a stressful pregnancy in the womb, any child that was hospitalized, any child that was removed from his/her mother for any length of time. 

these children...OUR children's brain chemistry's (neuro-transmitters) can be altered from such trauma.  

millions of dollars of research has been done to understand babes from "hard places" and how we can help them, connect with them, 

love them.....

and then they love in return.

sleeping like an angel in her night cap

when we brought aregash home we knew it would be hard.  

we were told it would be hard.  

but to understand how hard it could be was never explained.  

we took the classes provided by our agency (and frankly, we wanted to get through the classes as quickly as possible).  

so it is was always in our minds that we may bring a child into our family with health concerns, one with emotional distress, a babe with special needs.  

we were informed that children may only attach to one parent, or maybe not at all in the beginning. 

but how do we deal with it all?

 feeling pretty much hung-out-to-dry.

this is where i got angry this weekend.......

(i'm not pointing fingers)

we were not given information about HOW to raise these children from the hard places. 

 we were not told how it is different to parent an adopted child versus our biological children.  at times were even told that we raised such good kids........

to trust our own judgement.....

things will be fine.

 WOW!!!!

but i've NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE!!!!

it's just not that simple.

so i did the best i could.

and this is where I was wrong (according to conference attended) about thinking that it is okay to do the same with her as i would with my boys.  

we were lucky to have received the blessing of a healthy little girl.....

but that doesn't mean it was easy...

for any of us.

when we arrived home from ethiopia i was very attentive to her...

even when it was tiring...

even when she was "stuck" to me all night long and i slept very little.....

even through the meltdowns and the tantrums that could be hours in length.

i learned that this is "normal" (what is normal anyway?) and it could take months with a LOT of work to get her connected to our family.  

but what i was doing was the best way to attach to this child from hard places...

a child who has major amounts of loss in her life; from loosing family to loosing care-giver, one after another. 

this child who would bond with a special person in her life and then they would be gone ( i've tried to explain to people that she's had 50-60-70 mommies and the same in daddies). 

so when at some tiresome point i decided to parent her the way i had my boys,

it felt right, 

it was WAYYYY less work, 

and she responded in a positive way.....

it wasn't necessarily what was best for her. 

children from hard places need to know that there will always be plenty of love,

they will ALWAYS have their needs met, 

there will always be food available.  

not to say that i deprived her of any of these things, but it was soo much to think about at the time.  

the fact that before she came to us she had virtually no control (meals were "this" time, snacks were at "that" time, potty breaks at "this" time, etc).  as far as we know she had no choice about MOST things.  and this wasn't because she was in a facility without loving-nurturing people....

there were just soo many children there wasn't any other way.  

one of her sweet nannies whom she also called "MOMMY"

a last-minute conversation with a "Mommy"

the director of aregash's last care center....there were 3 centers total in 8 months

another beautiful "Mommy"

they all cried when they hugged her for the last time

precious love

did she need us setting rules and boundaries even within the first couple of months?

  i don't know.  

i'm still confused about this. 

because now that we have a base-line with her i feel like we can let go a little and just enjoy.  she knows how we do things and now she understands what we expect.

  it worked for us....

and for her.  

this is when i decided that doing the same with her as what i had done in the past would be okay.

after rocking her to sleep every night for the first 6-7 weeks, we put her in her bed one night and she seemed happy and well.  she sleeps there (with brother across the room) for 12 hours every night (most adoptive parents are not so lucky). 

when my boys would have a tantrum we learned to stop giving it attention and it would end MUCH more quickly.....so this is what we started with her. 

now i know that because she is "wired" differently than the boys (because they have had consistent parenting their entire lives) this was NOT the best way to handle it. 

ignoring wasn't what she needed. 

the tantrum was for a reason....be it grieving or confusion, or.........

it really is very difficult to always put yourself in someone else's shoes at all times, 

with every decision, but THAT is EXACTLY what our children from "hard places" need. 

so during the conference i began to question myself......

if she's sleeping in her room every night is it because she feels safe and secure?  

or is it because she's afraid she'll be in trouble if she gets up? 

she's always happy when she lays down and doesn't cry out in the night, so i've been told she must feel comfortable, secure and safe where she is.  

sigh of relief.

 i'm still confused about the "right" way (according to said conference) and the "wrong" way.....because what we have done has seemed to work and our child is happy, healthy, and seemingly very secure.  

do i back-track and change things when they are good, or leave them as they are?  

it is VERY easy to over-analyze when you have adopted.....but i've been told by experienced parents that this is good (doesn't always feel good), because then you are constantly thinking about the outcome....what may happen or not happen if you do it "this" way or "that" way.  

so i'm gonna stop psycho-analyzing the fact that I over-analyze everything. :0)

before our family was completely complete

what now???

  there are some BIG changes that are coming.......

i am working on saying YES more.

i am giving up my controlling ways (so hard)....

which means i will yell less often, yes? :0)

and i am going to start "being" with my children....... 

PLAYING with my children....

making eye contact and telling them how PRECIOUS they are every single chance I get.

there is ALWAYS room for more

i have always had a great relationship with all of my kids and i am soo happy that they know they can confide in me at any time and know that i will listen.......

so now i will be connecting with them all soo much more......

i have been empowered
to be better at my dream-"job".


and for this i pray for strength
and give thanks 

grateful

I am taking a much needed weekend away with a friend...

leaving on Thursday to go to Denver for the 
Empowered to Connect Conference through Show Hope.
 Show Hope is an organization that Christian singer, Steven Curtis Chapman began after his adopted child, Maria, was killed by a car a few years ago. 

 It is in her honor that they are helping adopting families all over the country to bring their babies home.

I applied for many grants for financial assistance during our adoption and we were awarded with this one. 

 It is a HUGE thing to want to do such an extraordinary thing, but not have the means.

God MAKES things happen.

Show Hope will always have our support.

I can't wait to help other families who choose adoption in their paths.

I'm sure this weekend will help me to do that.

 I will be leaving Aregash for the first time since we got home
 (well, I've had a couple of outings away, but not overnight).  

It feels soo weird because it feels like I'm leaving my newborn. 

 I never left my boys until they were about 3 years old, 
but I had spent a much longer time with them and I still rarely leave them. 

 I need this, 

and I'm excited to be refreshed and revived when I come home. 

 Dic will take Friday off work and it will be good for them to spend some time together while the boys are in school.  And then he'll have ALL four kiddos ALL weekend by himself. 

 I tried to show him how to do Aregash's hair (please, oh please don't take her out without doing her hair) by twisting it with his fingers, but he says she'll be "fro-ed" all weekend.  Her hair isn't long enough to have a real cute fro, so I'm a little worried about that.  Maybe I can show the boys and they can help...at least for church on Sunday. :0)

  I'm letting go of that one...just gonna go and have a relaxing time. 

 You may think I'm lame, but since I've been married I haven't gone anywhere with a friend alone--crazy.

  So it isn't just necessary because we're post-adoption, but necessary for sanity!! Ha!

Many many thanks to the out-pouring of love, support, concern, and maybe just some plain 'ole curiosity I received from soo many friends about my post last week. 

 I feel loved.

I can't believe some of the sweet words that have come from you all.  

What a wonderful thing it is to be able to say that I'm having a hard time and to have friends just jump into action to see how they can help or just listen. 

 Some times I think I may have said more than I was ready for

.....but I never felt judged. 

Thank you for that.  

I am not always the wife, mother, friend I wish to be.  

I am human.

  I am a sinner. 

 I just keep learning and pushing on. 

 It is such a blessing to be a part of a community, in person and internet, 

where people's hearts lead them 

and God brings us all together. 

 It makes me want to be a better person. 

You are all cherished. 

 I am grateful.

~now off I go to be a better wife, mother, and friend~

Soften a hardened Heart

I have been in touch with many adoptive mamas lately and I am not feeling quite so alone. 

Thank you for that, friends.

  This journey has been a tough, but beautiful one and we have been blessed beyond measure. 

I will never forget how many times God came through for us and His timing was always perfect.  

Having Faith when things weren't going my way....not easy. 

I struggle with control.  

Don't we all? 

Just in different ways I think. 

 

I want to control what my kids wear (I'm getting over it...slowly), how their clothes hang in their closet (don't mess with this :0), and you've probably never seen a more organized dresser/room (theirs...not mine :0( ). 

I am slowly letting go. 

I have had the control as a parent about what they put in their mouths ('cept when they're at school, of course, and even then I try), how long they sit in a car-seat (I'll push that as long as I can), and they always have a helmet on their heads when they are driving any moving thing (I would never forgive myself if something happened to them and it could have been prevented).  

BUT, 

all those things seem minimal when I am fighting for control over things I simply CAN''T control. 

 God places us where HE sees fit, 

where HE knows we can be instrumental, 

where HE needs us to be.  

This isn't always/usually the plan we have set for ourselves. 

Which makes it that much more difficult when it doesn't turn out the way we thought it would.

I am humbly announcing that I am going through a rough patch right now. 

From what I've heard this is very normal, but not talked about much in the adopting world. 

People have high expectations of us whom God has chosen for such a magnificent feat. 

We dare not let them down, right?

  Well, I am breaking my silence so that you may come forward if you are having a less-than desirable time too. 

I knew it wouldn't be easy. 

You knew it wouldn't be easy. 

And for some I guess it just is. 

For now.

I am praying a lot.

I am asking God to soften my hardened heart. 

  It is a full heart, 

but it is longing for His grace at the same time.

 I've decided it's okay to ask for help.  Some of my friends have already been soo sweet to listen without passing judgment and other adoptive moms have helped me to see that I am not alone.  And that some most times we need to reach out for help. 

Time may not heal as it does in many instances.  

We need to ask. 

So I am. 

play-day

yesterday i asked my brother if i could have his little guy for the day. 

 before aregash came home we spent quite a bit of time with jace. 
 the boys love him. 

 he plays like, well, a boy.....so they put all of their wrestling moves on him and he doesn't ever usually cry.  and he's just a little thing so they think it's soo great to carry him around. 

 come to think of it, when jace comes over my boys fight over him.

aregash misses her brothers when they are at school and i have tried to have play-dates with other kiddos, but she seems pretty overwhelmed still.  

she ends up on the other side of the house while they play without her. 

 i think part of it could be that mommy usually has a friend over too and now she doesn't have

 my undivided attention. 

 soooo......i thought maybe just having one friend over, without a friend for mommy would be good.  

she doesn't know jace very well yet, but they had the greatest day together. 

 he stayed all day--through nap-time, then to get two boys from school, home to play some more, then to get cole from track practice. 

 there wasn't ever a disagreement (which is odd for two-three-year-olds :0) and jace actually really listened to aregash when she spoke. 

 i was amazed that he understood everything since she is just learning english. 

 i was always around the corner listening to them and it was pure joy. 

 jace is a real funny guy.  he entertained both of us.  here are a couple of my favorites.......

jace: "did she stay the night here last night?"  :0)

me:  "yes, buddy, she stays here every night--she's a part of our family now.  

she is my little girl and zach, luke, and cole's little sister, remember?"

later.......aregash came to ask me something.......

jace:  "she keeps calling you mommy."  :0)

(he has a very sarcastic tone)


me:  "that's cause i am her mommy. 

 remember how we waited soo long for her to come home?  

remember how we had her picture and we were soo excited to have her be a part of our family?  

she's a part of our family now and she'll always be with us."

aregash interrupts and pats herself on her chest......"yea, aregash mommy's baby".

me: " yep, she's mommy's baby.  

just like cole, zach, and luke"

jace just looked at me with his furrowed brows. 
pretty sure he still doesn't quite get it.

my cell phone was ringing and jace came running to me with it in hand. 

 he says, "it's somebody"...........but it's not me". :0)  ha!

funny stuff.....made my day. :0)

aregash learned the alphabet song in ethiopia, but they sing it differently than we do.

they repeat the l,m,n,o,p part once.

jace kept trying to sing it his way and aregash would say "no, no, dis"

 and she would belt her version out.

such a hoot.  

i needed the laugh.

dear friends, if you have a minute and could spare a prayer, i would greatly appreciate it. 

i have been feeling a certain "disconnect" that i can't quite put my finger on.

this should be such a joyous time.

i am grateful for every single second.

now if i could just get my mind and body to work together

to feel the happiness i long for.

thanks.

Give Me Faith

we happened to stop by grandpa and grandma's house last weekend.  

shayna was there visiting too.

story-time was pretty cute.

 cousins at a family picnic at the park last weekend. 

 cousin dustin was in town so we celebrated.  

it was 55 degrees and windy....

not so much picnicking weather, 

but we had fun.

dic's side of the family

our big hike up "m" hill, which looks over our little city.  

beautiful weather called for happy family,

 more time at the park, 

and ice cream......mmmm.

 happy...love it.

seriously....control your dog. :0)

biggest brother...little sister

 "don't worry, i won't let you fall". 

 luke tells me all the time how happy he is to have a little sister.

from the top of the city looking down. 

 they're sitting on the big M.

 it was created by college students from our local technical school--

South Dakota School of Mines & Technology.  

Ever heard of it?

life is good.

there have been many emotional days for this mama.

if you can imagine (many of you can) the love for a child across the world,

bringing that child home and all that it entails for her and her new family.

it's been hard.

but then I learned an important lesson.

i have raised three great boys thus far......

i can do this.

i will break through the gray line of adoption rules and wondering if i could damage her by doing something wrong,

and just parent her

 the way i parent them.

parenting them hasn't been easy either.

but it's worked.

she will be fine.

i will be fine.

they will be fine.

life is good.

thanks again to He who brought us thus far.

we are blessed.

i am a grateful mama.

thank you Jesus.
i am still looking to you.
please give me faith.
please give me faith.
please give me faith.

St Patrick's Day

We don't celebrate St Patty's Day much....
just some green clothes and that's about it 
(Zach asked me for the little leprechaun-troll pin I've had since I was a little girl....couldn't find it).  
BUT, 
we did have us some green mashed potatoes with our chicken.  

Maybe next year will do something REALLY fun!!  Like maybe we'll paint our hair green or something! 


They're pretty cute in green, don'tcha think???
mommy didn't get to be in the picture cause i didn't wear the right color.


May the road rise to meet you. 
May the wind be always at your back. 
May the sun shine warm upon your face. 
May the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again, 
May the Lord hold you in the palm of His hand. 


  Irish House Blessing 


missing you today gramma jo.....
and yesterday
and the day before that.

Oh, sorry....were you talking to me?

I'd love to partake, it's too stink'n cold

I am posting today because for the first time in about a month, the sun is shining.  The temp is creeping up on 65 degrees and my mind feels clear for once.  It has been soo gloomy and I tend to get those gross winter blues just like my gramma (she took medication.....I just  yell a lot).  I can blame it on the weather, right?  And the sleep.  The sleep hasn't ever been good for me...like ever. 

 Growing up I needed more than the usual child and there came a point when my parents just stopped letting me sleep cause they thought I was being lazy.  Let's blame them.  So I then have children, and they still don't sleep through the night.  Two out of three boys wander the house in the night.  If it's not the kids waking me up it's the dreams (or the night-terrors when I'm exhausted---yes, it can still happen when you're a big girl).  So I'm tired.

Another FIRST for Aregash--sledding

We have this new little toddler in the house now and although she's really sleeping well, I'm not used to having to get up in the night to go to my kids...they always come to me.  Last night she broke a fever a few times and called for me (great sign of bonding, by the way).  

So I'm just a little sleepy.

helmet on, but she hated the ride

And I want to take the time now to say that I haven't been a very good listener.  I pride myself on being there for my friends.  I haven't done a real great job lately.  You may not know it, unless I happen to ask about something you just told me in detail.....I know, sad.  I remember feeling this way most of my life.  
I've always been tired. 
 So I'm apologizing now to all of you who had something important to say....you'll probably have to repeat it.

our infinite sledding grounds--love that i don't have to leave the house to watch

The sun is shining today and I can see the "light".  I'm hoping this is the last of the snow and the doom-n-gloom. 

I do promise to start focusing a little lot better....regardless.

FYI......you aren't the only ones I've neglected......

God's gotten the short end too.

Tomorrow I'll do better.
I promise.